
Photo by Ellen MacLaren
My dad puts his arm around me as I stand in my bridesmaid’s dress at a wedding we attended.
Over the next few days, we planned the funeral and I wanted to give the eulogy. I’ve never seen a dead person, so when I first walked into the funeral home and saw him, I lost it. Although it took time to build myself back up, I eventually got comfortable with reality.
The place was beautiful. We had a slideshow going and many posters filled with pictures of him hung up for people to see. We also had a table of all his hats, because he would always wear a hat.
When I gave the eulogy, I didn’t feel a thing. I was still very numb. A lot of people came up to me afterwards and told me how brave and strong I was, but the truth is I was just talking about my best friend. It wasn’t hard because it didn’t completely sink in that he was gone. I thought he was going to get up any second. I had to just stand there while random people I didn’t even know said their condolences.
Even after the funeral I spent more days numb waiting for him. I would trick my mind into thinking that I was okay.
School wasn’t going great either. I got bullied for a while, but finally realized that I shouldn’t give care what they think. It still really hurt what people said because I had extremely low self esteem, and it just made me hate myself. I was extremely depressed and people just kept adding on and on because they didn’t even know half the things I was going through.
Meanwhile, my home life was not good at all, so I had to take care of that. Since I was busy taking care of my home life, I never really got a chance to grieve. I developed PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), where I was reliving all my dad’s falls and panic moments through flashbacks. My aunts, uncles and mom all told me to go to therapy, but at the time I would hide all my feelings and not show any emotion, so I thought I didn’t need it. I thought I was doing fine.
Four months later I started therapy. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and I still am today. Therapy really did help me. Before, I didn’t really believe in it because I thought it was really weird to talk about personal things with this random person, but once you create a connection, it really does make you feel less alone.
One thing that has always helped me through everything is all my friends and family. I love each and every one of them so much, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without them. My family is the best. They were there for me through all of it. My aunts and uncles have helped me out with everything I’ve ever needed. My dad loved them. They would do anything for my family, and I hope they know that I would do anything for them. It’s been a tough time for my mom as well. She’s been trying so hard to be there for me. I want to thank my mom and the rest of my family.
My friends also really helped me escape the pain and helped me try to be an actual teenager. They always make me laugh and smile. They are the type of friends who I can put all my trust in. I want to thank all of them, for all that they’ve done for me.
Right now I’m starting to focus on myself and try to be a “regular” teen.
I’m amazed that things do really get better. I wouldn’t say you get over a death, but I would say you get through it. As time goes on, things get easier, but you’ll always miss the person.
I think about my dad every single day. He was my best friend and I’ll never forget him. It’s sad to think that he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle or see my kids, but he’ll always be a part of me that will never get replaced.
The whole time I was going through this, I thought I was okay and I just kept telling myself that I was okay, but the truth is I really wasn’t okay. I was shoving my feelings down and trying my hardest not to show them. It really wasn’t healthy, but I thought I was being strong. I had the feeling that I had to be strong for everyone else. While I was pretending to be okay, I never felt more alone because nobody thought I was falling apart when I really was.
The reason I wanted to tell my story is because I want people to know that they’re not alone and that it does get better. For people who have trauma or have lost a family member or a parent, just know that it does get better. It’s terrible while you’re living through it, but you just have to stay strong and get through it.
This is my niecc kayla who wrote that. Wow wow wow this will truely help others. What an amazing article. She so brave and so loved. Her dad be so so proud xo
Dear Kayla,
So sorry for the loss of your Dad. Your story was so well written and heartfelt. It was very brave of you to share and I’m sure your Dad is watching over you and is very proud of you. Thanks for sharing your story.
Julie
Hello,
You hit this right on… it is a difficult time and we all try to be strong and hide our feelings. This is something you learned at a very young age where others do not learn this until in their 50’s, 60’s etc. You should be very proud of yourself. I know you mother Ellen and I am sure she is very, very proud of you. Continue to be strong but talk those feelings out. It hurts and it is something that we have to deal with and continue life with. Your Dad is always watching over you and sending you the signs of his love for you. You are very lucky to have a dad that is/was your best friend. Cherish those memories and look up to the sky and see the big star shining down on you.
Take care and continue your life as courageous as you have been.. You are very special person!
Julann Santos
Your dad will always be with you, and your mother. Dad will give you strength and everything you guys do and what you need. To a couple of good women strong woman, you’ll always be there and you’ll know.
So sorry for the loss the grieving will never get easy. As time goes by you’ll definitely find comfort and always remembering him and celebrating his life. We love you guys very much you know where we are if you need us phone call away. Rita, John, and Conner.
Dear Kayla, Thank you for your personal story . You are a very courageous young lady to write what you went & are still going through all these months. I was your Grandfather Donald F. Mac Laren’s fiancee . You still have a wonderful support group of relatives on both sides of your family. Just remember God our Heavenly Farther knows the pain that you are still experiencing. Don’t be afraid to ask God to give you the strength to get through each day moment by moment. Each of us has a personal guardian Angel to be by our side all the time even though we can’t see him. Hold on to your faith . I am so proud of how you have handle yourself. Keep pressing on & be the best of whatever you set out to do. Love to you Lorraine Campbell
Kayla,
Thank you for sharing your story. Your Dad was an awesome guy, a true friend. He gave everyone he was around a smile on their face and always brightened up the spirit wherever he was. I think about all the great times we had and those memories will always be with me and he will never be forgotten. You and your Mom stay strong knowing he’s watching over you. Great Job!
Olivia and I are sitting here in our journalism class, and Mrs. D told us to check out your story… let me just say we had to take a couple breaks reading this because it was so empowering. We both cried reading this including another kid Micheal. I am so sorry for what happened to you, and even proud that you were able to tell your story. Amazing job!
Kayla,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so proud of you for sharing your experiences and feelings so that others can understand and realize that they are not alone in their grief or trauma, and that the good news is that it gets better and you can survive! You are so strong and your experiences will shape who you are. Your Dad will always be with you and his legacy will live on through you!!!
Kayla, I’m proud to call you my niece . Each and every day I see You strive . Your dad would be so proud just as I am in you. You are a strong young lady. I will always be there for you. Love uncle Steve two outs!