School should be closed on ‘Frostgate Friday’


Artwork by Natalie Merhib

Is learning algebra really worth fingers and toes?

The next Ice Age is here, Londonderry. Have our past New England winters prepared us for possible extinction? 

In years past, you’ve likely witnessed the Teenage Boy, donning basketball shorts and a t-shirt walking to school. This weekend will be a test of their adaptability, giving others the chance to see the rare, Jacketed Teen Boy.

However, these breeds are hardier than the young children who will be bundled up like Randy from A Christmas Story. Is it fair for them to go to school? Missing the first hour of sight words simply due to shedding coat after coat after coat?

Will there be another Ditchgate? Instead of sliding off roads, will bus drivers have to take a blowtorch to the tires simply to unfreeze them from the road? 

Nay! This shall not pass!

I implore to the powers that be! Cancel the little schoolhouse, spare children the long journey! They are not like their parents who walked to school uphill both ways! 

Each one of our fingers and toes, alive and intact, will thank you.