After the cellphone ban, many students are exhibiting classic signs of withdrawal from their beloved devices. Like any true addiction, we’re seeing a dramatic increase in students desperately reaching for anything that even remotely resembles a cellphone.

Just like grief. these students are going through five consecutive stages. Each stage is more grim and awful than the other. Make sure to catch these symptoms as early on as you can before you become technologically terminal.

1. Stage One: Phantom phone (notifications)

After enduring the long 47 minutes of your class, the heavenly sound is rung from the bell. Immediately students pack up and sprint out of the room, but now the last five seconds of class is filled with the echoing sounds of patting. Frantic students create a whole rhythmic beat as the light leaves their eyes when they realize their mobile devices aren’t in their pockets. 

I once saw Taylor Technology rip her whole bag apart looking for her phone when it was right in her jacket pocket. Andy Airpod started twitching in his seat because he heard the ghostly ring of notifications to the point he began searching around the room for them like a starved wolf on a hunt.

Senior Elana Kenney desperately looks for her phone but she doesn’t have it

2. Stage two: Unconsciously Scrolling

Though many deny doing so, everyone is guilty of unconsciously scrolling at one point. Thumbs crave to give out likes and comments, and without them being fed, they become ravenous. 

I once caught Ceilia Cell reading a book and becoming so upset because the page wouldn’t turn when she scrolled on the page. She even drew a sentence in emojis on her essay instead of writing a title. 

Betty Ban started stacking her milk cartons at lunch claiming she was beating her all time high on block blast. And don’t ask about how she reacted when they all fell.

Kenney has been spotted scrolling while she is asleep

3. Stage Three: Super Spy mode

This ban has caused our Highschool to turn into the CIA. Students have learned the art of secrecy. (James Bond would be proud of their work.) They turn on their laser eye vision and can sense when their teachers glance their way. Your mission as a spy is to use your phone without it ending up in what the teachers call a phone hotel. (But, you don’t need to be a mastermind to know the truth about these electronic escape rooms.)

Harold Headphone is a top agent and disguises his phone as a calculator (and even bought a gilly suit for his walking class). Yet many students aren’t as slick, causing them to fail their mission, which results in their cellular devices being banished to Alcatraz.

Kenney enters a mission and tries to sneakily watch Instagram Reels

4. Stage Four: Bargaining with reality

Now this stage is for the students who decided to turn a new leaf this spring. They have turned to books, coloring, and even sleeping when they can’t be bothered to participate in class. Sally Snapchat brought in her polaroid camera to take selfies in class and once they developed she pushpinned them to the wall and told everyone to like her new post. Then you have the nostalgia fans who have brought in a variety of items. From a Nintendo DS to a Record Player, everyone is looking for a somewhat even replacement for their phones.

Kenney is now delusional and begins to scroll on Tiktok (the wall)

5. Stage Five: Cellular Crash out

This stage doesn’t need too many words to describe since these students have vowed to take an oath of silence until the ban is lifted. I saw Danny Device start rocking back and forth in gym class swearing the tennis racket was his phone and even started trying to talk to Siri through it. Even though he didn’t ever get a response, that didn’t stop him from picking up other objects (or as Danny would call them phones). I even saw him holding his sandwich up to his ear like he was on a phone call.

Kenney has officially lost it!

So the next time you go and reach for your phone make sure you stop before you go down the rabbit hole of Phone-mo before you get stuck in a Wizz Wonderland forever! If you notice yourself or others catching this sickness make sure you call 1-800-UNPLUGGED to start your recovery journey today!