How short should you jort?

Photo illustration by Ryan Morse

The temperature? Heating up.

The thunder thighs? Melting.

The sweat? Pooling around your J’s.

The solution?  Jorts.

Thus comes the time to ask the age old question . . . How short should you jort?

The answer?

You should jort as short as your shorts can jort without any exposure of your, well, let’s call it your “port.”

If your jorts are too short and you show off your port,

then the police department might take you to court.

As long as you don’t resort to airing out your port

then jorts is a plan you shouldn’t abort.

Let’s say that you’re on the way to the airport

so they can transport you to a Disney resort.

You’re wearing sweatpants and you’re sweating a quart.

Your stink juice is pooling in those sweet light up Sketchers with the arch support.

You need some help, you search for support,

you find your knight in shining armor in a dope pair of jorts.

Some of you silly gooses think of a nice pair of jorts

as a fashion last resort.


Hear my retort.

Read my report on the miracle that is jorts.

Let’s play a game, a friendly little sport.

I call this game, when to wear jorts.

White t-shirt? Throw on some jorts.

Black hoodie? Throw on some jorts.

Wearing the entire color wheel on your torso?

Baby, go grab some jorts.

Hot? Cold? Lukewarm? JORTS JORTS JORTS!

If you don’t want your port to contort,

you head to Levi’s and pick up some jorts.

If you need to apply for a passport,

head to divorce court, ride some public transport,

play an equestrian sport,

then on your legs should lie an immaculate pair of jorts.

There is no excuse for behavior of this sort.

Be a big manly man and put on some jorts.

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