Mark Cavanaugh

We teens are doing just fine! Don’t need to worry about us!

So we teens have been isolated for too long in our homes. It might only have been like 11 days, but it has felt like an eternity.

Are we being dramatic?

Maybe.

But our current lives revolve around the house. That much time inside would make almost anyone a little crazy.

So here’s a snapshot of a quaran-teen.

Day 1:

The outside world. What’s that? Social interaction, what’s that? I only know Netflix. I got all my friends on Netflix. I got the whole gang at Dunder Mifflin. I got everybody from Seattle Grace Hospital. Who needs to go to real high school when I can just hang out with my crew at Riverdale High. 

Day 2:

Did you know that there are other people that live at my house? They go by the names of Mom and Dad. It was about 11am and lunch wasn’t out yet. I asked the one that goes by Mom where lunch was, and she told me to make it myself. I don’t know how to do that, school gives me my lunch everyday. I tried making cereal but somehow it caught on fire. The one named dad used a fire extinguisher. I didn’t know those went off outside of school. 

Day 3:

In this free time do you know what I can do?

I can start:

• Building a rocket
• Fighting a mummy
• Climbing up the Eiffel Tower
• Discovering something that doesn’t exist
• Giving a monkey a shower
• Surfing tidal waves, 
• Creating nanobots
• Locating Frankenstein’s brain
• Finding a dodo bird
• Painting a continent
• Driving your sister insane 

If you don’t get this reference, we can’t be friends.

Day 4:

OMG!!!! There is this crazy thing called enough sleep! It’s so crazy. I can go to bed at 1 am, wake up at like 11, and I don’t feel as tired. This is insane!! There are no annoying alarms that wake you up at the crack of dawn. This is great!

Day 5:

The one named Dad taught me how to play blackjack. I am actually pretty good. My dad said I might be able to make it to Vegas. But he told me not to tell the other resident named mom.

Shhhhhhh, don’t you go telling her either.

Day 6:

This whole quarantine thing is really jacking everyone’s style. The only people we talk to are the other occupants of our houses.  We can’t slide into certain peoples’ dm’s in person any more. This stinks. No more coffee at Dunks. No more movies. No more walks. No more going out to eat.

What the heck, man. 

Day 7:

The occupant named Mom started teaching me about these “life lessons.” These “life lessons” include doing the laundry, making food, changing a tire, washing dishes, time management, money saving, making appointments, grocery shopping, and making good decisions as a teenager. 

I always thought those things were always just magically done before by the house fairy. I had no idea I could do them too.

Wait.

Will me doing this stuff be the new norm? Great. That Mom person is sneaky.

Day 8:

So as of today I am an ordained minister in the State of Montana. So that means I can officiate a wedding in Montana. Apparently, they’re just  giving it away! All I had to do was go online. It was free! I took a test, and boom I can officiate a wedding. So if you know anyone wanting to elope to Montana and willing to pay for my flight, my hotel room, and my restaurant bills, just let me know. 

Day 9:

Oh, did you know that there is nature outside your window! It’s so cool. I look away from Netflix for a second, and I see a blue jay. A freaking Blue Jay! The things that Grant talks about in class are real! Nature is real!

Day 10:

The people from the other houses are on this thing called Zoom. There are other humans!! They can talk too. I can finally remember what my friends faces looks like. Some of my friends that are boys have mustaches, I guess they have decided to abandon shaving.

This Zoom thing is also making me interact with my “teachers.” Did you know that they have lives outside of school! Did you know they don’t live at the school. All this shocked me!

Day 11:

I think I am going crazy. The occupants of the crib are starting to get on my nerves. I can’t believe I’m about to say this but I can’t wait to go back to school.