I tried a juice cleanse, so you don’t have to

The+cleanse+included+six+juices%2C+with+a+variety+of+flavors.

Photo by Marissa McKay

The cleanse included six juices, with a variety of flavors.

Juice cleanses are supposed to cleanse your body and mind, clear out any toxins, and reboot your system. That is, according to the websites that sell them.

Yeah, well, I have to say that was not quite the experience I had, when I decided to try a one day juice cleanse for myself.

I did some research, ordered one of the cheaper cleanses, and got the package of juices delivered to my house. There were six juices, and I was supposed to drink one every two hours.

I think the difficulty began when I woke up the day of my cleanse already feeling hungry. I wanted a nice, carby breakfast. Instead, I got a vanilla almond juice. It was a disappointment, to say the least, but the juice itself didn’t taste that bad, so I got over it.

Two hours later, it was time for my second juice. At his point, the hangriness was beginning to set in, but I tried to keep myself busy and ignored it. This second juice was a green juice with apples and a bunch of green vegetables. This did not go down nearly as easily as the first one, and it was kind of gross, but I got it down.

When afternoon hit, the sun was shining, and I grabbed my third juice and headed outside to tan, as white girls do, when it’s over 50 degrees out. This one was roots flavored and way thicker than it needed to be, and I hated it. I was very hungry, and it took me the full two hours to force myself to finish it.

Then I made a big mistake. I thought it would be a good idea to meet my friends at Chipotle and have a social distancing lunch in our cars. I thought I would be okay drinking my fourth juice and watching them eat Chipotle, which I am absolutely obsessed with. Surprise, surprise, I was not okay. It was practically torture, and by the time I got home, I was miserable and starving. The citrus juice I was drinking tasted pretty good, but it definitely did not take the place of Chipotle, and I was upset about it.

The fifth juice was another green juice, and it was even worse the second time around. I had peed about 57 times already, and my body just did not want any more juice in it. I wallowed on the couch and to my family’s annoyance, yelled about how bad I wanted a pizza for the entire two hour period.

Finally, at 7 pm, I got my final juice from the fridge. It was chocolate almond flavored, and way chalkier than I would have liked, but anything was better than that green juice, so I wasn’t complaining. I was still starving though, and at this point was willing to shove any sort of solid food into my mouth.

At 9 pm, I officially declared my juice cleanse over. Technically, I wasn’t supposed to eat for the rest of the night to really get the full experience, but I’m way too weak for that, so I patted myself on the back, called it a day, and finally gave my grumbling stomach some food.

I will probably never do another juice cleanse, because it was honestly pretty awful, and I didn’t really feel any difference afterwards. If you like pain and suffering, then maybe this is for you. However, if you’re dramatic like me and also enjoy basic human needs like eating, then don’t try this, because it’s not a good time.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email